Thursday, October 22, 2009

no title yet

I sat mindlessly scooping one bite after another into my mouth, not tasting any of it. To this day i can't recall what I ate if I ate that is. those days are hazy and heavy.

"it's just easier for me to pretend she is away somewhere with her dad." I mumbled from behind a make shift fortress of pillows.
"you can't always pretend that, sooner or later you have to face reality.'' my mother the voice of reason spoke with an unfeeling tone.
"well, I prefer later, much later."

My mom called and informed me carefully that there had been an accident of some kind and that she was headed into some deep part of Kentucky to go and figure out what was going on.
"is it s-serious? who was it? what h-happened? what do you need me to do?" I stuttered over words with too many syllables.
"let me talk to your dad." I turned around and handed my him the phone. I watched his every move intently looking for the smallest sign of discontent. he met my gaze and turned his back.
"Yes . . . . . anything you need? when? how long? I won't . . . I know . . . Be care full and let me know what they say." He hung up the phone and and handed it to me. Swiftly he turned and open the refrigerator. The yellow light illuminated his face. I waited, "What do you want for dinner? I was thinking pizza or maybe hot wings . . something quick but good." he turned closed the refrigerator and smiled.
I dove underwater,surrounding myself with a peaceful blue abyss. swimming pools are peace full when you are in them alone. I bobbed my head above the water and was pounded with rain drops. The sky screamed and hissed, the trees bent in submission to their voices. The worst part of life is waiting; no matter what you do your always waiting.

My phone rang. my heart sank. My Mom's voice hoarse and strained spoke softly. " I am sorry, but we lost her." I stopped listening after those words filled my ears with static. Who do they say lost? what can't they find them was all i could manage to think. the ground shook and my body jolted. six year old's aren't supposed to be lost their suppose to be in their school plays, in their cheer leading uniforms.

I woke up underneath a mound of covers. the sun still managed to pry its way through the fabric. I Retreated further into the blankets warm inviting embrace. After five minutes of struggling to creep back into unconsciousness. i fought my way out of the mess and realized i ,just have fallen asleep in the living room. My dad looked at me with a grim face and said. "I am so sorry, they had it on the news this morning, they mentioned her name,age and a little story about what had happened, they might be pressing charges against her mother for the accident." I stared blankly for a long time my body not communicating with my mind. my heart felt like it was gone,lost.
"You couldn't have let me pretend just for a bit? you have to tell me this as soon as I wake up? I know what happened dad, I just wished you would have let me pretend I did not know, to go n for a little part of the day happy and hope full." anger and resentment and emptiness was all i could feel. I felt like someone else had me and guided me through every action I was supposed to do. I thought of the sky, the rain, the trees swaying and the pool. that was the time i should have been accepting but that was my escape. As long as i was Apart of that world i was away from the real one.